When You’ve Lost Yourself

Lately I’ve been so scared of the thoughts that control my head,

These thoughts I am about to share, not knowing where they will be led.

This anxiety is taking over my life, my soul,

What am I to do? I really don’t know…

The cuts on my arms come more quickly now,

I don’t know when or why or how,

But the urge overcomes me every time,

And from myself I cannot hide.

The tears I cry, I can’t control,

It feels like someone has stabbed my soul,

As I lay there each night, alone in the dark,

The tears flow down, and they make their mark.

I feel like there’s no point to continue where I am,

And it scares me to know that I think I can,

Use that knife to end my life,

Or pull the trigger before the fear gets bigger,

Maybe get a rope and tie it up high,

To play a game where at the end, I’d die.

I know there are others who have it much worse,

So why the fuck do I feel this way? What is this curse?

I try to sleep, but wake up hour after hour,

I toss and turn as I watch the horror that plays in my head,

When I’m supposed to be safely asleep in bed.

But I don’t feel safe there at all.

What if one day I “accidentally” fall,

out of my window, and it all ends there?

I doubt they would think that I would actually jump out.

They simply just wouldn’t believe,

But the only person who would know the truth,

Would just be dead old me.

Why shouldn’t I do it?

I dare you to tell me not to.

The anger inside has gotten the best of me,

And this fucking anxiety has literally driven me crazy.

Now I forget who I am, I forget what I am,

And I am scared.

I want to be free from the fear,

I need to get out of here,

I need to be able to breathe.

But since I can’t have any of those,

And since nobody knows,

How I can be cured from this curse,

There is no point. I give up now.

But if it isn’t too much to ask,

If there is a way,

Please don’t forget me,

Someway, somehow.