Té de Manzanilla

I never thought you would happen to me. But, you did. Sometimes life is funny like that; you can be prepared, plan ahead, and take care of yourself but sometimes things still turn out badly… or, at least not the way you planned.

I never wanted to know you. In fact, it was one of my worst nightmares. I never had the desire to live the kind of lifestyle I’d be forced into if I allowed you to stay in my life. I’m neither mentally nor emotionally capable of involving myself with you. I can’t offer what you’d want and need from me. That’s why I knew I had to let you go. There was no question about it in my mind.

But each time I tried to cut ties and say goodbye for good, I wasn’t able to. And when I couldn’t, I found myself growing more attached to you even though I knew it was wrong. I began to weep at the thought of not having you, yet wept even more at imagining what life would be like if we stayed stuck in this situation. I knew I’d be miserable. You’d probably be, too. And yet, I was still so sad at the thought of losing you. I wondered if letting you go would be a mistake I’d regret later.

We were so close, very much attached to one another. And of course being in such close proximity, I knew you could feel my energy. I’m convinced that my own conflicted feelings hurt your feelings, and I’m so sorry that they did. I believe that’s why you lashed out at me that night. Seeing you actually threaten to leave me made me panic, even though I knew it was what I wanted. I can’t explain why I was so conflicted, but I was. Part of me was relieved at the sight of your apparent departure, but simultaneously, I was sobbing, pleading for you to stay.

And you did, for just a little while longer. I didn’t know how to feel about it. Even though I wanted to let you go, it was considerably harder than I’d imagined it to be, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever actually feel ready to do it. I needed help to walk away from you, to pluck you out of my life, to let you go so that both our spirits could continue existing in the Universe in peace. So that’s what I did; I got help. That morning, as she held my hand, I saw your picture for the very last time and decided, it’s now or never.

I was a wreck inside. I was also terrified. I never thought you’d be able to make me feel the way I did, or cry the way I cried. But those kind people helped me through the process of saying goodbye to you. They talked me through it, gave me advice and tried to make me feel better. Later on, they sat me down in a big, soft, comfortable recliner when I needed to sleep for a little while. When I woke up, nothing seemed real. My head was spinning. She asked me how I was feeling and encouraged me to relax for a while longer as she handed me a cup of té de manzanilla—chamomile tea—with a bit of sugar. I don’t generally drink tea that often, but I gratefully accepted it. The tea’s subtle bitterness blended beautifully with the sugar; a serendipitous comparison to the present bitter-sweet circumstance.

I sipped on the tea as I tried to make sense of feeling relieved that you were gone while very much missing you at the same time. The opposing feelings were confusing. I felt like I could breathe again but was at risk of bursting out into tears at any given moment. I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, and continued to drink. My God, that tea was the most comforting thing in the world in that moment.

It feels so strange thinking about how you were once there, so present with me, only to accept that you’re suddenly gone. I had to quit you cold turkey, for both of our wellbeing. It hasn’t been easy, but some days are better than others. I think of you often. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget you. And lately, I’ve been preparing tea more frequently…but only té de manzanilla. I make sure to add a little bit of sugar, because it reminds me of you.